After the two previous posts, here we are at the final chapter. What to do when someone makes us angry but we do not want to remain passive?
First of all, it is essential to start talking to ourselves clearly. "What I want? Do I want to punish the person or do I want to solve the problem?". In most cases, we do something that is halfway. But it's not a useful option: it's a little like eating apple pie and pizza together. It can be done, but it is not advisable.
Instead we start to ask ourselves a clear question: do I want blood (metaphorically speaking ...) or the solution of a problem?
Then: how do I behave? What does it mean to actually solve a problem with a person who is making us angry?
• The volume of my voice remains normal;
• I pay attention to the movements of my body: hands and arms in particular. Aggression is made of fast movements;
• I am very attentive to the words I use. More in particular:
o Do not devalue or attack the other person, but I try (if appropriate) to understand his point of view;
o I express my unease and my point of view clearly, unequivocally;
o I propose solutions or compromises. The compromises are disgusting, but they are always better than wars.
In short, I try to be constructive. Unless you have to save your skin in a bar fight. There's no point in telling a guy who's trying to cut my face off with a broken bottle. "I understand your need to assert your superiority, but could you at least avoid killing me? Let's find a decent compromise! ".
But usually (at least I hope) people's lives are not made up of bar fights. We can afford to be pragmatic.
But the oldest part of our brain does not make subtle distinctions. For this part of us, it's always a bar fight. Unless we start training.
Training means that we do not leave things to fortuity. Instead, we are systematic. We observe our progress, we record them carefully. We define specific areas where we will practice social skills. The mother-in-law, for example. Or a work colleague. We are not satisfied with good intentions.
I would like this post to be the starting point for a systematic work. Because the anger that becomes aggression is nothing but space and time stolen from joy.
And never forget irony, which is incompatible with all negative emotions.
In bar fights, however, head butt the guy. Works wonderfully.
First of all, it is essential to start talking to ourselves clearly. "What I want? Do I want to punish the person or do I want to solve the problem?". In most cases, we do something that is halfway. But it's not a useful option: it's a little like eating apple pie and pizza together. It can be done, but it is not advisable.
Instead we start to ask ourselves a clear question: do I want blood (metaphorically speaking ...) or the solution of a problem?
Then: how do I behave? What does it mean to actually solve a problem with a person who is making us angry?
• The volume of my voice remains normal;
• I pay attention to the movements of my body: hands and arms in particular. Aggression is made of fast movements;
• I am very attentive to the words I use. More in particular:
o Do not devalue or attack the other person, but I try (if appropriate) to understand his point of view;
o I express my unease and my point of view clearly, unequivocally;
o I propose solutions or compromises. The compromises are disgusting, but they are always better than wars.
In short, I try to be constructive. Unless you have to save your skin in a bar fight. There's no point in telling a guy who's trying to cut my face off with a broken bottle. "I understand your need to assert your superiority, but could you at least avoid killing me? Let's find a decent compromise! ".
But usually (at least I hope) people's lives are not made up of bar fights. We can afford to be pragmatic.
But the oldest part of our brain does not make subtle distinctions. For this part of us, it's always a bar fight. Unless we start training.
Training means that we do not leave things to fortuity. Instead, we are systematic. We observe our progress, we record them carefully. We define specific areas where we will practice social skills. The mother-in-law, for example. Or a work colleague. We are not satisfied with good intentions.
I would like this post to be the starting point for a systematic work. Because the anger that becomes aggression is nothing but space and time stolen from joy.
And never forget irony, which is incompatible with all negative emotions.
In bar fights, however, head butt the guy. Works wonderfully.
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