Reassurances hurt. That is: if you really must, do it with whom you hate ...
Reassurances are one of the most frequent verbal behaviors among human beings:
"Come on, the exam will be fine!";
"You will see that is not a serious problem!";
"Everything will be fine!".
And similar horrors. When someone tells us his fears, he is doing it because he has received reassuring answers in the past. Which, immediately, have made that annoying sense of uncertainty go away.
And so far so good.
Then only troubles!
In fact, reassurances are, technically speaking, lies.
If it is true that after having studied so much I should pass that scary examination, it is also true that security will never be 100%. Never.
Very trivially, I could die under a bus while I go to university. Nothing is certain.
And if someone, despite all the good intentions of the world, tells me that everything is under control, reinforces in me the idea that it is possible to be safe and secure. And paradoxically, the final effect is a greater anxiety. In fact, in my mind the idea of control overlaps more and more with that of happiness. The unfortunate equation happiness = control is created.
But one of the two terms is unattainable.
The trick is to separate the idea of joy from the need for absolute control. Get to understand that you can be happy even without having all your life under control.
One thing is to study, take a trip, become a parent or make a pizza at home. All beautiful things. Another thing is to want at all costs the security that everything is gonna be all right. You only become crazy neurotic. If we are at the airport with a person, and he/she asks us reassurance about the delay of the plane ("But we leave anyway, right? It's just a delay, right? ..."), the only healthy answer is "Probably yes , and if not ... something we'll do." And stop there.
Personally, I would raise the volume of headphones ... With love, but without mercy.
Once, to a dear friend of mine who was rappelling from the top of a mountain before me, I said: "It seems that everything is fine", speaking of the pitons to which his life was hanging. He got angry, but he smiled too, when we were all on the ground, safe. Since he is a smart brain, he understood that mine was irony, but also therapy. For him and for me.
Reality is good.
Stop the lies.
Reassurances are one of the most frequent verbal behaviors among human beings:
"Come on, the exam will be fine!";
"You will see that is not a serious problem!";
"Everything will be fine!".
And similar horrors. When someone tells us his fears, he is doing it because he has received reassuring answers in the past. Which, immediately, have made that annoying sense of uncertainty go away.
And so far so good.
Then only troubles!
In fact, reassurances are, technically speaking, lies.
If it is true that after having studied so much I should pass that scary examination, it is also true that security will never be 100%. Never.
Very trivially, I could die under a bus while I go to university. Nothing is certain.
And if someone, despite all the good intentions of the world, tells me that everything is under control, reinforces in me the idea that it is possible to be safe and secure. And paradoxically, the final effect is a greater anxiety. In fact, in my mind the idea of control overlaps more and more with that of happiness. The unfortunate equation happiness = control is created.
But one of the two terms is unattainable.
The trick is to separate the idea of joy from the need for absolute control. Get to understand that you can be happy even without having all your life under control.
One thing is to study, take a trip, become a parent or make a pizza at home. All beautiful things. Another thing is to want at all costs the security that everything is gonna be all right. You only become crazy neurotic. If we are at the airport with a person, and he/she asks us reassurance about the delay of the plane ("But we leave anyway, right? It's just a delay, right? ..."), the only healthy answer is "Probably yes , and if not ... something we'll do." And stop there.
Personally, I would raise the volume of headphones ... With love, but without mercy.
Once, to a dear friend of mine who was rappelling from the top of a mountain before me, I said: "It seems that everything is fine", speaking of the pitons to which his life was hanging. He got angry, but he smiled too, when we were all on the ground, safe. Since he is a smart brain, he understood that mine was irony, but also therapy. For him and for me.
Reality is good.
Stop the lies.
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